Reflection Six: What Is "Cool"?

The Blueprint Year: Why am I doing this?

Today I was thinking about my younger self, wondering if she met me now, would she think I’m cool?

Unfortunately for me, the answer is absolutely not. She would have a lot of strong opinions about me and none would be great. Honestly, this is one of the lowest points in my life. I’m unemployed and struggling financially. I’ve been unemployed and living mostly off of savings for a full year. Needless to say, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m worried constantly about losing my apartment or losing my car.

My weight has been a concern for me over the last decade. I was recovering from an eating disorder and in trying to avoid anything triggering, I gained nearly 90 pounds. I’m healed now and trying to get to a healthier place, but my weight is still high. I’m not tracking the scale because that’s one of my triggers, but I know my clothes are fitting better and I can see changes. Part of that is effort, and part of that is trying to eat less to make sure I have enough food to survive.

My dad just got diagnosed with cancer, which has led to a lot of tears lately, but surprisingly, it’s also lead to a lot of motivation. I have hope know he’ll kick cancers ass, but I lost my childhood best friend, my cousin, and my grandpa to cancer, and that’s all coming back up for me. I want him to see me be successful. I want him to see me living a life that I actually enjoy and that he can be proud of.

I rarely have fun anymore. Most of the time, that’s due to money. I can’t afford to go to events, pay for subscriptions for streaming or apps, or buy supplies for hobbies. Lately I’ve been living off of gift cards I got a few Christmases ago. People around me have helped in countless ways. Helping me with rent and my car payment, which I’m extremely grateful for. But as an adult, it hurts to even ask for help like that. The last thing I want is to be a burden on the people I love. They’ve even paid for tickets so I could go with them to concerts and basketball games. It is so unbelievably kind, but not being able to pay them back or give them something in return makes my stomach twist.

When I think about my younger self, I feel a pride I wish I felt about me now. I’ll refer to her as Little One, which was the go-to nickname for her. She was so ambitious. Little One found ways to make money by doing chores for neighbors, making candy and selling it, flirting with boys to get their Pokemon cards for free and then reselling them to other boys. (Don’t worry, we’ve worked on morals since then.) She made PowerPoints of business plans, spent hours inventing new gadgets she was sure were billion dollar ideas, and even learned how to sew after drawing designs of cute clothes for years.

Little One was adventurous. She had no problem going to the park by herself, sometimes without telling anyone where she was going. As long as she was home before dinner, it was fine. She was a problem solver. When she poked a hole in her favorite shirt, she learned how to bedazzle to cover it up.

She loved herself, maybe a little too much. She wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of her body. In fact, in the summer, she practically lived in a bathing suit. She fully believed she was the coolest person in the world, and I can’t blame her. She read books, loved cleaning, was physically active everyday, and did research for fun. She also spent way too much time on the internet. That part hasn’t changed.

I want to live a life that she would find impressive. I want to be a person she would think is cool. Someone who makes art, makes good money, and makes the world a better place. Maybe not through inventions like she would, but somehow. I want to be someone who enjoys so much of their life, like she did.

A cool girl, in my opinion, is down to earth, calm, and intentionally present. She’s educated, well-read, and well-traveled. She’s got hobbies she loves and she makes her home feel like a sanctuary. She cooks, frequents museums and galleries, and makes learning a priority.

Making this series is about creating a life where I’m thriving. Where who I am and what I do is impressive — maybe not to the world, but to me, to my family and friends, and to Little One.

I want to live my life intentionally. I want my days to be wrapped around the things I enjoy, shared with the people I love.

Today was day six of creating my dream life, and it felt much heavier than the others. Between reflecting on what I think is cool and why I’m doing this, it hit me that this is my sink or swim moment. Succeeding is necessary.

And I will. For myself, for my loved ones, and for Little One.

XOXOAM

Thanks for reading.

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